To You, Both of You

Dearest……….,
These are my words for you, my dear ones
Both of you, from where I derive my essence and existence
The ink in my pen clogs as
The heart in me chokes
When I realise myself
The dreadful past of mine you know
And
The more horrible past of mine you do not know

A request of pardon
Is it the one I have to write?
Or
A word of confession
Would you bear it?

When day after day
It becomes
A sore in the throat
A hurdle on my road (to nowhere)
A prickle on my leg
An image, I would hate to recollect

When night after night
It dances on my eyelids before letting you to sleep
I jump up from the bed soaked in sweat
I hate the loneliness which ties up you with that past
I tear every shred and burn every bit which reckons it

What do I fear from you?
The days of silence with me
The faces of anger and contempt
The hands beating that breast
Whose nipples nurtured me
The hopelessness which eats up even the last spell of happiness
On the face of the one who saw happiness in the ones around
Whose hands which comforted me cups before the almighty
For a way out this dilemma, unintended and shocking

Am I fearing that?
Or the whims and fancies to be uncared of
Of the unsure or unsecure world outside
Or the rivers of milk and fresh meadows I have to leave behind
Or the warmth of the loving beside me

Then what lies between me and them?
A whole life of self deception
which started where it should not have started.