Cycle

Life is cyclic
because the same flood and drought of emotions repeats itself
every year
I am thrown helter skelter by the rising tides of enthusiasm
Eloquent and full of promises
None can understand the secret of the bubbling energy
while it does not take much of time to be in the next phase
the slow ... not steady ... travel of mine
silence pervading me... funeral like
now it is my turn not to believe myself
what is happening all in me
the inflated balloon with its air oozing out
I am alone at this end to realise when must I stop
this cycle to a steady state
do not tell me that it may happen after my lifeline becomes steady and horizontal

Impasse

I am restless, wanting to run off from the room
when those uneasy thoughts do not spare me

A clouded view of the future
gory glimpses of the past
a sleepy lonely present I walk through

I am asked to survey the frontiers and limits of mine
But I am no where interested
to see myself incapable

Nothing interests me
When the book of equations are rendered invisible
by the looming shadows of instability and uncertainty

The rise and fall of my spirit
the spurts of joy and anger
the (evil) consequences of my words told in absolute insensitivity
the divulging of the truths of life
and later the regret for these unthoughtful words and deeds

Often I am left with the dreams about the pictures of the green country
when I take the train back home
the thoughts of the warmth of my mother's lap
and the dear ones

But the sudden realization of the clutches of bondage
and precepts of responsibility
takes back the joy of them

But amidst all these
adding an ice cool and crystal pure feeling to my psyche
memories of my lost purity
which gives me a momentary spell of happiness

a rope to climb out of this dilemma
a drop of water to fan the fire out deep inside

The Real

Uneasy I am
in this world so bizarre
where i am denied the both
one for the sheer fear of the wierd
and
other for the fear of the normal

the restlessness to send them off
and to communicate with the unseen
the frustration to run off
the fantasies of the unwarranted
the dirt within oozing out
the water cleansing in and out
the frantic searches in them

the boundaries set by others
for me to live a life very my own
Oh God! This is my life

the wings which I grow to fly
the dreams which take me to the heights
the realities which shook me from those heights
the sweetness of the well knit plans
the sourness of the setbacks

the ones whom I love
and the ones who love me
what sets the frontiers between them?
the contours of aesthetics or the crystals of the sweet words
the mix of the dark and ugly or the bitter syrup of truth

a setback after another
may be that I am tired
But am I defeated?
confused between the pairs
of reality and a dream world,
where I am happy
but all else are unhappy
and the platform from where I wish to jump
to touch the skies
to invade the heights
to whirle, twist and recoil
but to kiss the ground
the sad reality!!!!!
Ya ilahi....
I stand on these scorching sands
eyes unable to be opened
to see the fierce sun, the truth
a mind which feels duped
for having mistaken it
for yesternight's cool moonlight,
the sweet mirage which I believed in
to be left orphaned in this world of reality
The truths which come out
when you become the inobedient
when you become the unreliable
when you cease to be a taskdoer

To You, Both of You

Dearest……….,
These are my words for you, my dear ones
Both of you, from where I derive my essence and existence
The ink in my pen clogs as
The heart in me chokes
When I realise myself
The dreadful past of mine you know
And
The more horrible past of mine you do not know

A request of pardon
Is it the one I have to write?
Or
A word of confession
Would you bear it?

When day after day
It becomes
A sore in the throat
A hurdle on my road (to nowhere)
A prickle on my leg
An image, I would hate to recollect

When night after night
It dances on my eyelids before letting you to sleep
I jump up from the bed soaked in sweat
I hate the loneliness which ties up you with that past
I tear every shred and burn every bit which reckons it

What do I fear from you?
The days of silence with me
The faces of anger and contempt
The hands beating that breast
Whose nipples nurtured me
The hopelessness which eats up even the last spell of happiness
On the face of the one who saw happiness in the ones around
Whose hands which comforted me cups before the almighty
For a way out this dilemma, unintended and shocking

Am I fearing that?
Or the whims and fancies to be uncared of
Of the unsure or unsecure world outside
Or the rivers of milk and fresh meadows I have to leave behind
Or the warmth of the loving beside me

Then what lies between me and them?
A whole life of self deception
which started where it should not have started.

The journey back

A sudden instinct drove me
to get up, pack up and move
where to?
i was unaware of
but i reached the station
entrained
to an unknown destination in an unknown train
escape! escape! escape!
that was what mind chanting to me
but then the one next asked.
where to?
and
from where?
and
running away from what?
the luxuries afforded by somebody toiling away
the warmth of kith and kin, papa and mama,bro and sis
the fertile ground to grow and nurture
to
the more happy world outside!
mind you
it is wild and dark
i am sure of
but.but.but....
i pulled the chain
but it was not the same easy journey back
the questions of the security cops looking out for a terrorist
the rugged bus from a distant town loaded with laborers for the metro
the long wait at the stations for the only train back home
the few remaining coins i had with me
the hard water which i got to drink at the wayside pipe
the tiring journey back
i fell down on my cozy bed back home
and sighed
the world is not easy outside..